Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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