it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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