I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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