I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
one might say we're banned from that church
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
