I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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