these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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