i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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