I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize