My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
