so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
