So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
