The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
