dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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