My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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