Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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