i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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