we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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