I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
