somebody snuck up and got me drunk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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