The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
