My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
