Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
