Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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