soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
