My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
