you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize