Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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