a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
