I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
