im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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