I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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