just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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