just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
