God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
