apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
