I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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