life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
