tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
