theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
