I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
sarcasm needs its own font
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
