It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
