was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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