At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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