I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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