At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My bed smells like the plague
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
