its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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