Can i not drive my cunt home
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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