You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize