you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
