Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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