The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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