WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
