I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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