In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
