Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
