If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
