how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
