i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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