We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
