headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize